WAGS on TV

WAG-o-vision

WAG-o-vision

Which starlets have given us the most memorable moments of WAG-o-vision? We watched it all so you didn't have to...

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Name: Victoria Beckham

WAG of: David Beckham

Appeared on: Victoria Beckham – Coming To America

Reckon Victoria Beckham doesn't get enough exposure? Does your hippocampus have so much space available that you're willing to let its emptier corners to trivia on what the 'real' Posh Spice and her homunculus husband are like when the cameras are switched off – even though they're very much switched on? Well, cups of trash TV viewers on both sides of the pond ran over in 2007, when the Beckhams' marital media machine set out to snare America – with that all-important documentary crew in tow.

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Victoria's TV highlight: Fancy watching two people pawing at each other in tea-stained undies, while mired in their own thick soup of airport romance? No? Well never fear, as there were a few genuine laughs in the schlock doc courtesy of some spoof skits in which Posh sent herself up by being a menace to her PA. However, viewers Stateside missed the joke and ended up assuming that Vicky is just a standard issue hard-faced celebrity nobody. And frankly, as they have quite enough of those as it is, the show wasn't picked up for a full series. Shame.

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Name: Cheryl Cole

WAG of: Ashley Cole

Appeared on: The X Factor, Ghost Hunting with Girls Aloud

Does anybody else feel that The X Factor has become a little less, well, tacky since the Grand High Witch of reality TV flounced out for the umpteeth time? After all, since the Girls Aloud chanteuse was parachuted in as a replacement, the show now features far less randy yawping at whichever baritone-voiced bloke with big biceps manages to honk his way in the Final 12, and Louis no longer has to wear his pacamac to work. There's no contest really - we love you Mrs Cole!

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Cheryl's TV Highlight: However, Chezza's real moment of TV gold came when she appeared on ITV2 spookumentary Ghost Hunting with Girls Aloud. At one point in proceedings she looked set to mete out some Heaton justice, the kind previously dished up for nightclub toilet attendant Sophie Amogbokpa, to some otherworldly spirits. "F**ken' show yersel'!" screeched the nation's sweetheart in her trademark dulcet tones, as the ghouls got a taste of their own medicine and Cheryl's PR hurriedly booked another few courses of media training. Brilliant.

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Name: Danielle Lloyd

WAG of: Tottenham Hotspur FC

Appeared on: Celebrity Big Brother, among others

"They eat with their hands in India, don't they – or is that China?" pondered moronic sandwich-avoiding pillock Danielle Lloyd while ensconced in Davina McCall's d-list portakabin, back in January 2007. "You don't know where [Shilpa Shetty's] hands have been", she continued, as she and her cohorts gave the fragrant Bollywood actress a collective stink eye. Sadly, the unbelievable crap spewed from the model's runaway yap didn't end there.

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Danielle's TV Highlight: To this day, Teddy Sheringham's ex remains most famous for her charming line, "I think [Shilpa] should just f*ck off home", while beaming at an apoplectic Jade Goody and scowling Jo O'Meara. She was then booted out of the house, confronted by Davina Macaw, and forced to spend the next two months whinging about how her comments had been misinterpreted to any media outlet that would have her. Tellingly, however, she never denied being as thick as school blancmange.

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Name: Coleen Rooney

WAG of: Wayne Rooney

Appeared on: Coleen's Real Women

Genuine attempt to get women who haven't been blessed with the figure of Mother Bates into the modelling industry? Or cynical exploitation of girls willing to broadcast their bra sizes and the mounds within to a dribbling crowd of cable gawpers? Well, Coleen's Real Women came to fruition after some bright spark began wondered if they could turn the Dove's "We're-All-Gorgeous" advertising concept into a primetime programme. It worked.

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Coleen's TV Highlight: To be honest the show could have been hosted by any celebrity lacuna, as Coleen undertook the job with the unyielding relish and determined interest of hubby Wayne at a Mensa meet. And although the contestants clamouring to be the faces Pizza Hut and Dulco-Ease were genuinely pretty and often curvy, said curves often rounded out at a whopping size 10 – leaving the Fern Brittons of the world behind. So much for "real women", then.

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Name: Charlotte Mears

Ex-WAG of: Jermaine Defoe

Appeared on: A Place In The Sun

As if Amanda Lamb's parade of hateful idiots with too much money wasn't already way too much to bear for those of us watching from the tattered lino of our box room slums, Charlotte's attempt to snap up a Menorca love-nest with £2m of the money her boyfriend "earned" for sitting on a bench all season would have left Fred Goodwin calling for the end of capitalism. But did she and Jermaine manage to find their dream home (and a nearby branch of Gold Taps-R-Us)?

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